*Disclaimer:this post was written from a positive place so hopefully after reading you will take only positive things from it, it is not intended to minimize anyone who may currently be struggling. This is my own personal perspective.*
This past weekend I had an odd occurrence take place. We lost power at our house (not that odd) and with it our water, as we have a well system that runs off electricity. For more than 24 hours we were without power and water. So thankfully my wonderful Aunt Weezie opened her home to us so that we could do the basic but super necessary maintenance of showering. Since the power company was projecting that it would be another day with no electricity or water, so she offered to keep our boys overnight, to which we said yes. My husband and I got back to town, he then proceeded to go to work. Being this was a Saturday I didn't work and now I didn't have the kids with me, and no plans. What I found is that I honestly and truly didn't know what to do with myself.
Any parent understands just how much time we spend with or on our children. So, when an opportunity comes out of the blue to be alone it's a bit of a peculiar feeling. Since there was still no power at my house going home to clean wasn't an option. I found myself quickly tying to think of things that I liked doing, alone. I did spend a few hours shopping for books at our local bookstore, reading those books over coffee at our local coffee shop, you know being a middle-aged hipster. It was a good time honestly. Although, it was a serious Twilight Zone feeling, and I missed my boys, it was nice to just sit for a moment quietly, alone.
Later, I had a conversation with my husband about how I was feeling, and my hesitation of knowing what to do with myself because I was alone. It's been a long time since I've been solo. Jokingly he said something to me that kind of stuck in my head. It stuck, churned, and turned in my brain. I'm not sure if maybe I took the comment personally and felt the need to dissect it to find a way to possibly defend or vindicate my position. Whatever the reason I kept repeating it in my head like a broken record but felt an inner obligation to myself to complete the record. His comment was just a passive, joking comment: "Maybe you've lost yourself."
There it was. The spoken words just hanging in the air slowly melting into my brain. It invoked a feeling in me I can't really explain. But maybe you, the reader, who may also be a parent, especially mothers, will understand how I felt. The moment out children are born they are front and center of our everyday everything. Their needs and well-being come first before everyone else, including our own. Which is how it should be. For a fleeting moment I honestly thought maybe there was some weight to this comment. Maybe I had in fact lost myself. I identify as mainly "Mom". Aside from "Mom" who was I? Was I still the super crazy, essentric, and outgoing female I was prior to becoming a mother? Did I still have the same interests? Were my views on life still the same?
Then it hit me. The intrinsic truth was this. I hadn't lost me at all. Nothing about me in any way was misplaced, it was as it should be. I had become exactly whom I had intended to be. I followed different paths to get here, but I was right where I always aimed to be. I WAS lost, but I had found myself. I became who I had always wanted to be. I became a Mother.
That was the truth. A truth that I honestly hadn't realized until the right question/statement had been presented. There have been so many, countless, times that I have felt different or lost even. So many different thoughts prior to this comment when I thought I didn't know myself anymore. All those times I was just wrong. I was different. I was in a new place in a new version of myself. Like all versions of ourselves it takes an adjustment period, in a timeframe of our own choosing. Like holding a new book for the first time, our hands must become acclimated to the weight, size, and shape. Because motherhood/parenthood is a book all its own. It's a giant novel that is constantly writing itself as we go, and we change with it.
Through all the changes, the phases, the tears of joy, the tears of sadness, the moments when we thing we are at the brink of losing ourselves underneath the weight of it all is the time to remember. At the core of everything we aren't losing ourselves at all. We are exactly who and where we are meant to be. We have become bigger than we ever thought possible. Because we are mothers. Because we are fathers.
So maybe this resonates with you. Maybe you ask yourself "Where did I go?" My response to you is, you never left. You became who you wanted to be, or maybe didn't know you needed to be.
On a lighter note! Don't forget to try and plan time for yourself too. It's super important. Even if it's locking the bathroom door so you can shower or poop in peace, whatever you need to do. Five minutes alone can do wonders to reset a stressed mamma or poppa. Now go get yourself a heaping helping of "mom's spaghetti" (if you get the reference that matches the title, you're my people).
CHEERS to bad jokes and parenthood!
Until next time, thanks for reading my Decent Into the Momstrom!
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